Monday, June 4, 2012

Remarriage For The Divorced Parent - Issues To reconsider

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If you are a divorced adult, entering into a new marriage may be a step towards recovery. It is a sign that you have moved on, that you have come to a point in your life where you are ready to make relationship commitments once again.

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The issue is not so clear, however, when you are not only a divorced spouse, but also a divorced parent. Although you may have separated from your former spouse both legally and emotionally, your obligations toward your child(ren) have not changed. Just as you needed to think of your child(ren) while the divorce process, you also need to think of them when remarrying.

During a divorce, children often have a difficult time because they feel as though they must pick loyalty to one parent or the other. A similar problem arises when a parent remarries. The child is faced with two conflicting messages. On one hand, as a child, they feel an compulsion to be happy for their parent, but on the other, they are immediately forced to accept that their parents are not going to get back together. Unable to reconcile these two opposing impulses, the child often becomes confused, bitter, or angry. More often than not, this then leads to discontentment for both the parents and the new step-parent and may be a catalyst for conflict.

Helping Your Child Understand Remarriage

If you are a divorced parent who is inspecting remarriage, remember that your child is just as emotionally and psychologically complex in the situation as you are. The contrast is that while you have the experience and maturity of an adult, your child does not. He or she may still be struggling with issues relating to the divorce and may not be ready for yet someone else difficult situation to arise. Holding all this in mind, you should let your child know that you understand and can sympathize with his or her complex feelings on the matter. Don't patronize or lecture your child. Make them feel loved and included, and the transition will be easier for everybody involved.

On the other hand, if you are entering into a remarriage as a new step-parent, your accountability is to try and understand the situation from your step-child's point of view. In their eyes, you are a stranger who is intruding on their family, their lives, and their personal space. Although you might be ready to build a close relationship with your step-child, he or she might not be ready to build one with you. Respect their feelings, and don't force them into awkward or uncomfortable situations. Avoid immoderate shows of affection and arrival them initially with more of a "camp counselor" mentality. Don't be in a hurry - a closer relationship will come with time.

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